A Musing on Wendell Berry and Sabbath

What might the heart and mind know when we finally rest?

  

Wendell Berry will be ninety this year. What an amazing guy. You should read A Letter to Wendell Berry by Wallace Stegner. It reveals two gifted men, depth of friendship, joys of life that call us higher and make us feel the sweet pain of tasting the best and knowing there is even more and better. There are secrets to seeing and being thus.

Wendell comes to mind today because for some decades now he has written poems on Sunday. This hints at how much can be done with regular effort over time. He writes more than he can use and he doesn't use a laptop to enhance quantity. His life-long habit is to write long-hand and then his wife, Tanya, types it out for him.

I would wish for such a record. It would grow a writer, though few will be in league with Berry. I began with a stretch for free verse because I like the idea of Sunday poems. Weekly Sabbath is a gift and discipline. Who needs it? All of us do, and very much. What might the heart and mind know when we finally rest?

Wendell Berry

Today

I write because it is today, a day when I am supposed to write. No one cares, I suppose, about said rumination, especially since it is only to fulfill a task. And yet, tasks are committed to pull us forward, or in some direction.

There is always, always, the question of worthiness. Are all tasks equal in value? Hardly. 

Comes to mind the old word,  first heard from my beloved pastor during college years, G. R. French. He said, "Big people speak of ideas,  average people speak of events, small people speak of people." He was quoting someone. I took it to be true in the main, and still do.

Yet, many people are unable to speak of ideas, perhaps quite literally so, and we should not look askance at them. Nor do all who speak of ideas do so well, with clear-headedness, thoughtful rationale, devoid of fallacy or severe bias, etc. 

In a word, we need help with all kinds of talk, and writing blogs is no exception. I love ideas but such hardly makes me a "big person." (A too easy fallacy sticks its head in here. The pastor did not say all who speak of ideas are big, but that big people do it.)

The only answer for me, really, is prayer, though I easily and often fail it. Seek the living God, ask His presence, ask His forgiveness, ask for wisdom and good sense. Pray for your loved ones: yes, because they need this or that, but more because you need to learn to love them and praying for them is non-negotiable if you would be successful in that forever journey.

Enough for today. I fulfilled my task. No, not that task, my pesky writing goals. But the greatest gift of life,  i.e. to hear the call of God and to kneel in heart and life before Him.

I hope you will join in that eternal joy and pursuit. 

How do we meaningfully ask adult males to be men?

How do we meaningfully ask adult males to be men?

There is no end run on life which is another way of saying there is no end run on character.  The only way to ask adult males to be men is to be men ourselves.  This requires first of all something which should not need to be said:  it requires we believe there is such a thing as manhood, as masculinity.

The very need to define this is without doubt universal and old as time, but we cannot pass without mentioning that feminism has been no friend in this arena.  I mean clearly and plainly this: insofar as feminism and other sex/gender ideologies have made masculinity wholly subjective -- to that extent it has not been good.  That seems axiomatic to me, though I would of course listen to rejoinders and admit freely that it is -- as are all things in our current life-of-mind -- all but impossible to prove. (Which indicates it is premise level knowledge -- you either accept it or you do not.)

So, assuming there are universal and identifiable aspects to masculinity, if I were to give a minimalist answer to the above question it would look like this:

1. Men should always be honest, hard-working, provide for their own, and do their best.
2. Men should be sexually responsible.  This means saving sex for one woman, and that after marriage; and then keeping it within marriage with that one woman until death.  Singleness is a sound option, to be seriously considered as preferable for some men.  But it is not honorable unless chaste.
3. Honor really matters. Honor means to do what is right, reward rightness in others, look down upon un-rightness in others.
4. Men should use their gifts to the best of their ability to serve their loved ones and communities.
5. Men should cultivate and promote a willingness to protect their homes, communities and fatherland -- with force as necessary -- with the goal of protecting the more vulnerable and assuring that maximal life is preserved and prolonged.

That's my best effort and I hope it helps someone somewhere, just as I was helped by my own Dad, Uncles, Grandfathers, brothers, and other male examples.  Which underscores the main point: the best way to help boys become men is to be faithful to those we father by loving their mother and staying home; and by living faithfully otherwise as an example to sons not our own. For after all, when we adopt a modicum of C. S. Lewis' moderate realism about masculinity, we know that it is an innate characteristic in all men, to be cultivated, enriched, and strengthened.  This, as they say, quite literally "makes the world go 'round."

These simple truths, lived out though in weak vessels, give solid foundation to any community and nation.

Cross

“It's really my cross,” he said, “This thing I did not plan.”
Nor would he, nor would he know why it could ever be good.
How do we know what is good and what is not, when
our best is known to be otherwise by the Eternal God?

“Be careful what you pray for” the elders say, an echo of the
ancient text: “God gave their desire but sent leanness....”
We strive and wonder why we have not, forgetting that
which we are sure is good may be nothing of the sort.

Are all crosses good, all burdens beneficial if borne with
patience and faith in He who does all things well?
What of self-caused burdens? What of eyes washed with tears
so we see the beauty and joy that make the cross all worth it?

If I knew I might not say for would be too much for me.
But I pray for grace to bear my cross – whatever it may be – with gladness.
For if, as we hope, there is good in the very bearing,
then imagine the joy that awaits when we lay our burdens down.

Dealing with Life as it is [100WW]

[I've long wondered about the role of motives in life: how easily we assume them, how painful presumed motives can be, how easily we are wrong about our own motives and those of others, yet can scarcely be dissuaded in our opinions. It is a minefield of pain and difficulty. I thought I'd try to address it week by week with a few of these 100 Word Wednesdays. It is all fictionalized, drawing from life as I've seen it, experienced it, and thought about it.]

“Why didn't you let me play baseball?” Father and son were in my office. The son, age 30, was trying to heal a divide with his Dad. “Didn't you want me to succeed? Didn't you want me to have fun?” The son continued with questions that put his dad in a corner of assumed bad motives. It was, to say the least, painful. Parents do what they do for all kinds of reasons, and they don't always get it right. The son's face was more pain than anger, but both were at play. I wondered how this would go.

Revisiting Woods and Bears and Women and Men [10'TU]

I've thought much on this woman-meets-man-or-bear-alone-in-the-woods meme, and I tried to write on it yesterday. Among other things my effort to understand is an example of visceral reaction clouding judgment.

If you know the meme it says something like this: Women say if they were on a walk in the woods alone and had the choice between meeting a bear or an unknown man they would choose the bear. Who knows the evidence for this claim? I do not know, but I have seen where women claim that, yes, given the choice they would take their chances with the bear.

Truth be known, meeting a bear in the woods is very seldom dangerous, as hard as that is to believe. Who knows how often a woman alone in the woods meets an unknown man, or how dangerous that indeed is? A woman would have to judge by her past experience with unknown men she meets alone away from any possible help. Barring that experience in her past she would have to rely on ideas she has gained about men in general.

What might her dad have taught her about men and how she should feel if she met an unknown man in person. Hard as it is to accept, I think an average father might say odds may be better for good treatment with a bear than an unknown man.

Wow. This just feels so wrong! And when I wrote about it as best I could I ran into the ditch on both sides. If I take the meme at face value I have to say I see the point. But I just can't stay there. The visceral reaction won't let me.

What do we do when things don't feel right? Sometimes our mind can't function for the feelings; sometimes the feelings need to set pause on the best conclusions of our mind.

In this case I know I am reacting to something that feels like an unjustified and damaging insult. Men get enough belittling -- lay off already! The problem is, what does a woman do if she meets an unknown man in the wilderness alone? It is a difficult hypothetical. Are men as bad as the meme suggests? I do not think so. Can we demonstrate objectively the inclinations of women in the meme? No.

Such is the nature of hypotheticals. The set of encounters alone in the woods with bears is vastly smaller than that of encounters with unknown men alone. I wager it would have to be something like 1 to 10 million throughout human history, but no one knows.

And perhaps that is where it ends. This is based on normal human fears and an hypothetical that is virtually impossible to quantify. 

The mind can't do much with it. Feelings reign. 

Maybe admitting that is the hardest thing for me. And possibly that is true for the "other side" as well.

Of Bears and Meeting in the Woods

Of Bears and Meeting in the Woods

Sadly, the meme, while giving voice to fears of women, added insult to injury instead of healing.

I've seen of late the assertion that a woman meeting an unknown man alone in the woods makes for an uncomfortable situation for the woman. So much so that, given the option of meeting a bear instead, she would prefer the bear. I've dutifully tried to perceive the sense of this on its face without whataboutism, defending the integrity of manhood, or other visceral objections.

If alone in a wood, a woman prefers to encounter a wild animal rather than an unknown man. Perhaps it is right to ask why. Why?

• A woman, most of the time, is physically weaker than a man. The man may overpower her and abuse or kill her. Or he may do as a man should do: greet her with respect, and leave her alone unless she asks for help.

• A woman, all of the time, is weaker than a bear. The bear may overpower her and abuse or kill her. Or the bear may, as often happens, readily run off. It is simply not the case that all bear encounters result in attacks. Most do not.

  
  
  

This fictional situation deals with setting, nature, fear and hope: given certain settings what are people most prone to do, what should they fear, and for what can they reasonably hope?

• Setting: alone in a wood.

• Nature: 1) Man is a man. 2) Woman is a woman. 3) Bear is a bear.

• Fear: 1) Man will act like a beast. 2) Woman will be vulnerable. 3) Bear will act like a beast.

• Hope: 1) Man, may act rightly. 2) Woman, vulnerable. 3) Bear, he may run off and do no harm.

Conclusion: Odds are greater the man would misbehave. Take chances with the bear.

What may be said beyond this? A look at implications seems fair. A few that seem true would include:

• Vulnerability is the key issue. How must it feel to know you are at the mercy of another person or a wild beast? We have all been in both situations on some scale, though death is seldom one of the possible outcomes. Vulnerability is not comfortable, to say the least.

• It is a matter of odds: What are the odds the man would kill the woman? The whole thing is necessarily hypothetical so it is very hard to say, but I would think odds of death are very low.

• Abuse and harm, but not death? Odds could be slightly higher that the man would do actual harm.

• It should go without saying that any woman would have cause to fear meeting an unknown man – or a bear -- alone in a wood.

Difficulties?

• What's a man to do? Be a good man. Of course it is awkward to meet alone. Respect that difficulty, act with discretion and utmost respect, and move on unless help is requested.

• If help is requested, be a man and offer it if possible but, as a matter of principle, avoid any relational entanglement. Merely talking about this is difficult but it is the reality of life. No blame, just reality. It is highly likely the woman will respect that and all will be well. The man: do right, help if needed, move on.

• Does it feel insulting to men that women would prefer a bear? Yes, but so what. Some men have earned that fear for the rest of us. Women are more vulnerable than men in some situations, and this is one of them. Forget the offense and be a man which means you always treat a woman with honor.

• Are men sometimes vulnerable to women? Of course, but that is another discussion for another time.

• Should the woman have been in that situation? We all encounter situations we could not anticipate and we learn discretion thereby, or not. Since this is hypothetical, it is a teaching tool and certainly it is possible the woman could have avoided the scenario without undue constraints on freedom. In our world we have no guarantees of good conduct by others so we have to plan accordingly and we will sometimes misjudge the possibilities.

The perils of male-female relations are ever with us in this fallen world. It does no good to malign all men as beasts, nor to slander all women as irrational. Both are capable of causing and receiving incredible hurt.

Happily, both man and woman are also capable of incredible love, self-giving, meeting the need of the other in ways we were designed to do. Such a path is the answer to the painful problem, and if odd discussion of bears and men and meeting in the woods can help us remember that, so be it!

Sadly however, I conclude the meme, while giving voice to fears of women, added insult to injury and did not improve the situation. Perhaps my effort to take it at face-value has merit – and I tried, I really did. But at the end I cannot overcome the insult. It helps nothing to malign men this way.

In every man is a yearning to be all he should be. Encourage that, dare to believe that. We already feel hated and ridiculed in countless cultural voices. It is not helping. Calling us less than beasts only piles on. Encouragement to true manhood is a better strategy, but the morass of immorality we currently suffer only makes it worse.

We have lost our way and there are ways to find it again. We can start with a cease and desist on messages that demean men.